


Joke's On You

by aurumdalseni (kyo_chan), kyo_chan



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-05
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-02-28 05:32:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2720570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyo_chan/pseuds/aurumdalseni, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyo_chan/pseuds/kyo_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The blind date was a setup from the start. But what happens when the prank gets turned around? Who's really the one being fooled?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a post that was going around tumblr. I just couldn't resist.

So. There they were.

Roy was actually wearing silk, a button down in a dark green. Ed was sure it was the first time he’d seen Roy in something other than monochrome or military blue. He was doing that stupid slicked back hair thing, though, which he thought made him look ten times more like an arrogant asshole than his normal appearance. At Al’s insistence, Ed had worn actual dress slacks instead of his cargos and a button down shirt that didn’t look like he’d just pulled it out of a pile. It had been so long since he’d worn something that nice that it had just been hanging in his closet, nearly forgotten. Red, of course. It was his best color after all. As he sat across from his former superior officer, he thought all of his effort not to look and feel as comfortable as possible were wasted. If the glare Roy was leveling back at him was any indication, the emotion was equivalent.

“I’m waiting for someone, Fullmetal, so as much as I’d _love_ for you to stay and chit chat, now is not the time.”

“First of all, stop calling me that. Secondly, this was the table I was _shown_ to, you asshole, so maybe if y’got a problem with that, you should take it up with the staff.”

Roy did just that, barely remembering to utter an ‘excuse me’ because why bother with politeness when it was clear Ed wouldn’t make the effort, but apparently he still wanted to show off. It made the younger man roll his eyes, and he crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair just enough the front legs lifted off the ground. A few moments later, he returned with the pretty lady who had seated them, who looked at them with no shortage of mirth in her eyes.

“Miss, would you kindly tell him what you just told me?”

The front of Ed’s chair came down, and he straightened to give them his full attention. Roy looked pissed, and that was one of his favorite expressions on the man. This was going to be good.

At Ed’s eagerness, the hostess swallowed back a giggle and folded her hands in front of her. “Your reservations were made by a third party. I was told if Mr. Mustang showed up second, to show him to Mr. Elric’s table, and if Mr. Elric showed up second, to direct him to Mr. Mustang’s table. Unless I am mistaken, you are each who the other is supposed to be meeting.”

Ed took a moment to pick his jaw up off the floor, and now his expression wasn’t that far off from Roy’s, whether he realized it or not. “Are you fu-“

“Edward,” Roy rumbled in warning, reminding him where they were.

The blond shot a glare in his direction that would peel paint, then turned his best smile back up at the hostess. “You’re kidding, right? Someone set this up?”

“Were you told you were going on a blind date?” she asked helpfully.

Slowly, as if it were a horrific fate to realize, the two men slowly turned their heads to look at one another, because ‘blind date’ was indeed the phrasing that was used. Against his will, heat started to creep into his face, and he knew his skin was turning red. The bastard meeting his gaze looked cold as ice, but Ed knew the flare in his dark eyes well. Usually he was the cause of it, and now he was indirectly the cause of it. Someone else was gonna get it bad.

“Hawkeye,” Roy growled.

“Alphonse.”

The hostess continued to smile helpfully. “Should I seat one of you gentleman elsewhere?”

“Yes, that would be-“

“No, miss, that’s all right,” Ed cut in, ignoring the way Roy’s eyes widened slightly. “Our table will be just fine. We have some planning to do. Have a seat, Mustang. I hope you know I can eat a lot of food.”

“Who said I would be paying?”

“You didn’t plan to come on a blind date with someone special and expect to split the bill, did you?”

“Wh-what about you?” Roy sputtered as he sat down, finally rising to the bait. “Were you going to let your date pay?”

“Well, I guess that depends on how much you contribute.”

“To what?”

“Our revenge.”


	2. Chapter 2

Alphonse waited up for him.

It was just something they did now, especially when one of them took freelance work. If one sibling was arriving home on a late train, the other would stay up. Of course, that practice would be in effect if the other went on a date, and besides, there was no way Al would miss this for the world. It would be so delightful, to see the look on Ed’s face when he walked in the door. The best practical joke he’d played in a long time, not since he and Ling had conspired on an escape from the palace to give his advisors a heart attack for half a day. Lan Fan hadn’t been too pleased, but he and the emperor to be had managed to get away with it only enduring some mild shouting. It had been worth it, and so would this.

As soon as the door opened, Al put down his book and turned to lean up on the back of the couch.

“So, brother,’ how’d it go?”

It wouldn’t have taken Ed long at all to realize he’d been set up, and he was just _waiting_ for the fruits of his labor to show, but what he saw when he met his brother’s gaze was not what he’d expected at all.

He was smiling.

Not the ‘I’m going to kill you if you hold still long enough’ smile he got when he did something equally evil, nor was it the ‘This is the day I defeat you’ smile he saw for their morning spars. No, what was on Ed’s face was infinitely more terrifying. In fact, he didn’t think he’d _ever_ seen a look like that before in his life. It was like he hadn’t even noticed Al’s shit eating grin or the obvious eager amusement on his face. He was too distracted for any of that. And if Al hadn’t choked on his own surprise enough, Ed opened his mouth.

“It was great, Al. Thank you.”

Al’s face fell. “Wh-what?”

~*~

“It’s as if he’s a different person.”

Hawkeye had spent many years perfecting the art of no reaction. In all that time, it had never had a chance of failing her more than it had this very moment. The last time she had checked, Ed was still crass, foul-mouthed and occasionally arrogant, to the point that putting the general in the same room with him usually resulted in a fight. When Mustang had begun carrying around the strain and tension of the work, she had hoped arranging an outlet would do the trick. But she certainly hadn’t expected him to be happy about it.

“I beg your pardon, Sir.”

“Fullmetal. Edward.” The way he said his dearest antagonist’s name made something in her spine shrivel a little bit. “You get him away from the uniform, away from the military, and he’s different. I don’t know why you got it in your head to set us up.” Roy let out a rueful laugh. “I’m glad you did. I never would have known what it was like not to fight with him.”

“I. Well. You’re welcome. Sir.” The words were having a hard time coming to her. This hadn’t been what she had anticipated at all. It was the _antithesis_ of everything she could have dreamed up happening. That included yelling, fighting and the high risk of the two of them getting kicked out of the restaurant so they could have it out in the parking lot. Hawkeye supposed if it got that weight off his shoulders, she reached her goal, however roundabout the way. Now the man was humming and doing his paperwork without protest? She had a twinge in her gut telling her this was too good to be true, but the evidence was right there in front of her.

~*~

“I didn’t even know my face could do that,” Ed admitted, wrinkling his nose as he reached for his coffee. The little cafe was crowded, but Havoc had seen them walk into it together, and he would surely give his report to Hawkeye.

“I had to pretend I was so happy with the date, I didn’t care I was doing paperwork.”

“Fuck, I didn’ know you were that good an actor, ol’ man. Think she bought it?”

“I think she’s surely questioning which of us has lost our minds, but it’s working for the moment.”

“Betcha there’s money on us.”

Roy nearly inhaled his coffee. “You think the whole office knows?”

Ed gave him a look that clearly told him not to be so stupid. “D’you remember where y’work? Everyone probably knows when y’fuckin’ sneeze so three other people can make sure y’got tea and some cough medicine. It’s like fuckin’ Risembool but without the sheep.”

“I see.” Roy looked thoughtful, then a smile crept to his face. “It should end badly.”

“What? Us? Like anyone didn’ see that comin’. Hell, bet some of ‘em though it’d be over before it started.”

“No, but think about it. The longer it goes on as if we’re stupid for each other, the more off guard they’ll be when it happens.”

Ed seemed to catch on. “Damn, well, it’ll be a shame when you cheat on me, an’ I have to call it off. Loudly. Maybe with my fist in your face.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Fullmetal. What makes you think I’d cheat?”

“I’m a good country boy,” Ed said, with all the innocence he could muster in his features. The frightening thing about it was how real it looked. “I would _never_ cheat on my partner.”

“I lived with ten older sisters, I know better.”

“Well, maybe we’ll negotiate on who cheats on who.”

“Why don’t we negotiate how we break up later. For now, where would you like to go on our next date?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting to know someone isn't always as hard as it seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I hope you enjoy!

Ed shoved his hands into his pockets, nuzzling a little further into his scarf. It hadn’t gotten too cold for walking yet, but when the wind kicked up, he wanted to duck into his coat. His golden eyes darted over to the man beside him, seemingly unaffected by the chill in his long black duster. Unruly dark hair was tossed about, and Roy didn’t seem to care. Ed wasn’t really good at small talk in the best of times, but it was hardly a convincing “date” in the park if they weren’t speaking to one another. Mustang made it a point to tell him that yelling and cussing didn’t count, to which Ed labeled him a spoil sport. It meant that after they were done talking about the weather, some case or another and the mess hall menu that week, they’d lapsed into silence. Ed had fumbled for something clever to say and finally settled on something.

“So. Ten sisters, huh?”

Roy blinked, as if he hadn’t expected more conversation, then a fond smile came to his face. “Give or take,” he said with a shrug. “They’re all ladies that work for my aunt, and I grew up around no less than eight at a time. Some stayed for good, others spent a little time and moved on.”

In spite of himself, Ed was genuinely intrigued. That was more than he had ever learned about Roy in years, given to him in just a couple of minutes and an idle question to make small talk. He really didn’t expect to get much out of Roy, both of them were pretty guarded in their lives, and this was just pretend after all. Still, it made him wonder what else he could get away with.

“Your parents?”

“Deceased. When I was pretty young, actually.”

“Sorry t’hear.”

“It was a long time ago, and all things considered, I was raised by really good people. Even if it was hell living around several very bossy older sister types.”

“You’ve met Winry, right?” Ed laughed. “Sometimes, she’s hard to handle on her own. I can’t imagine ten of her _plus_ Granny Pinako.”

“All due respect, Ed, I don’t think you would have survived.” Roy looked calculating, as if he wasn’t sure he should continue his train of thought.

Ed quirked a brow at him, narrowing his eyes. “Just say it.”

“Are you going to marry her?”

“That’s none of your goddamn business,” Ed huffed. “But do y’really think Al woulda tried to set me up if I had somethin’ really serious with Win?” His shoulders bunched up so that he looked like a sulking cat, his steps trudging a little more than they strolled. It was a good thing Roy knew better than to crack more than a smile at how he looked, otherwise there would be yelling and cussing. “She’s a good country girl. She…means a lot to me.” Why did talking about feelings put such a lump in his throat? “We’re…okay around each other. But we’re either too much alike or not enough. We’re both obsessive and demanding and want things done our way. She’d want me t’stay home now that I’m no longer technically a state alchemist, and I don’t think I could live back in Risembool. Not after all this, y’know? Central is more like home. At least there’s more t’do than stare at sheep and crops all day. It’s always gonna be where I came from, but it ain’t where I wanna be.”

“Where do you want to be?” The words slipped out of Roy’s mouth before he could stop himself.

“Fuck if I know, Mustang. I wake up feelin’ like it’s a different answer almost every day, and even then, I can’t even decide what I wanna eat that day…other’n everything…much less what I want t’do with my life. Didn’t really think that far ahead.”

“Don’t worry. I’m sure I can keep you busy with plenty of work. I’ll make sure you don’t get bored.” It wasn’t what he wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure anything more sincere would have been well appreciated. Any previous attempts to break through their surface conversations usually resulted in saying the wrong thing, no matter what. It wouldn’t do their act any favors if they started to fight now, and he knew it.

“Slave driver,” Ed muttered, and he pivoted a little in his step to crash his shoulder into Mustang’s arm. “Find it funny that the laziest man in the country talks shit about givin’ other people work to keep ‘em busy.”

“I’ll have you know I worked very hard to become a glorified delegator. That takes skill too.”

The blond snorted. “Get over yourself.”

“Oh but _Ed_ , you can’t get enough of me. Why would I stop now?” Roy flashed Ed a devilish smirk, and that was all the warning he got before an arm was slung around his shoulders. He nearly tripped as he was pulled against Mustang’s larger frame, and instinct kicked in to try wiggling out of his hold. “Tsk tsk, you want to be really close to me, remember? Come on, suck it up for the sake of the act, Fullmetal.”

“When this is over, I’m going to turn your smug ass face black an’ blue, I swear.” But the one thing Ed couldn’t deny was that the man was _warm_. On a day like today, he was best to shut up and go along with it. At least he wouldn’t freeze. “But while we’re at it, it’s your turn to buy coffee.”

Roy laughed and didn’t think twice about squeezing Ed’s shoulders in a good-natured gesture. “Whatever you say.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it is working a little too well...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going to try and update this regularly now. (No promises, because every time I say that, some life thing comes swooping in, but I'm going to try!) Hope you enjoy!

“Don’t you think it’s working a little too well?”

Al stretched out in the chair across from Riza, his hands wrapped around a mug of hot cocoa while his brows furrowed. “I don’t…know. I mean, at first I thought so, because come on, when has my brother ever been happy to share breathing space with Mustang?” He tapped the worn café ceramic with a sigh. “But you’d think the joke would have worn off by now. It’s been a month.”

Hayate lay between their feet under the quaint kitchen table in Riza’s apartment, the first snowfall of the season drifting down in big flakes outside her window.

“They’ve been on three dates, and every time, I expect Roy to come back with his expectations of Edward dashed and our victory assured. Yet, he ends up being so pleased with himself, like something is happening that he didn’t expect and he likes it.”  Hawkeye let out a sigh and rested her chin on the heel of her hand. “I want to be suspicious, but what if it’s genuine?”

Al let out a bit of a scoffing noise at the very idea, though he didn’t outright dispute it. He still had a thoughtful look on his face, eyes narrowed. Collected evidence on the matter seemed to show that Ed hadn’t really lost his temper, hadn’t caused bodily harm to Mustang, and unless Al was losing his mind, he simply _smiled_ more. Whether it was because he was actually happy or because he was playing the best reverse-prank ever, he couldn’t be sure. To be perfectly honest, he hadn’t done a thing to hide that he’d been a helping hand in preparing the blind date. That was only because he thought it would have been over before it started. A flash and a bang, maybe a little bit of fire and a lot of swearing. When a scientist was faced with an unexpected test result, he dove back into the variables, but Al couldn’t put his finger on anything that would have made the reaction chemicals any less volatile than they normally were.

“What if it is?” he finally echoed.

Riza tilted her head. “What do you mean?”

“Just what you said. What if it _is_ genuine?” Al finally leaned forward, taking a long sip of his cocoa and then smiling like a kid at yule who just discovered the gifts. “What if they actually can somehow stand each other? What if on their dates they have civil conversations that don’t turn into fights and they really like being around each other? And all it took was getting out of the damn military headquarters for them to see that.”

“I would say you’re being way too optimistic, Alphonse.” Riza frowned, not entirely convinced, but she did have to consider the option. If it wasn’t real, Roy was doing an incredibly good job of looking like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders in recent weeks. Things that normally got under his skin took a longer time to do so, and his overall demeanor had been better. If it was an act, he deserved an award. If it wasn’t, maybe he just…deserved to be that happy.

“Yeah? And I say if they’re going to keep playing along, then so are we.”

~*~

“Y’know, you could have told me we were going to go to a fancy restaurant tonight, or somethin’,” Ed fussed as he buttoned up the fancy silk shirt Roy had tossed across the room to him. “I got my own nice clothes, believe it or not.”

“Oh, I believe it, but I thought I’d we’d up the stakes a little bit.”

Ed’s face fell as his mind raced through infinite possibilities of what that could mean. A fancy carriage ride in the park, maybe? Roy could have gotten tickets to the theatre, the orchestra, or _worse_ , an opera. He shuddered and ducked his head a little into his collar. “I don’t like it when you change the rules on me without sayin’ anything, Mustang. We’re going to have to discuss the conditions of this prank again, because you’re gettin’ a little too bold for me t’trust you.”

That got a laugh out of the older man as he ran his hand over his slicked back hair. God _damn_ but Ed hated it when he did that. Pretentious asshole. He was resisting every urge to get up on his toes and mess it up with his bare hands

“It’s not really that big of a deal, Edward, but a one-month anniversary is a milestone. We should celebrate.”

The blond narrowed his eyes. “Where are we goin’, Mustang?”

~*~

“They’re going to the Madame’s,” Riza said with no small amount of awe in her voice.

Al glanced at her, not understanding. “To where?”

“To meet Roy’s mother.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you take him home to meet the family...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm doing my best to keep up with regular posting on this. Thank you for being so patient and for all your kind comments and kudos. It's greatly appreciated! Please enjoy chapter 5!

“You’re staring,” Roy pointed out helpfully. The kind of helpful that had a teasing tone and a smirk that betrayed how pleased Roy was with himself.

“Fuckin’ hell, Mustang, how  _ can’t _ I stare?”

Madame Christmas’s bar was the last place on earth Ed would have ever expected to be taken to. It was probably not even on his radar of places that existed in the world. Not a fancy restaurant, not a grubby bar a few blocks from headquarters. This establishment was the stuff of classic movie reels in black and white. A dimly lit lounge with dark woods and smooth jazz filling empty places people didn’t know they had until they walked in. Drinks carried to tables by women in dresses Ed had only seen in fashion tablets or store windows. It was like he’d stepped onto the set of a film he was mis-cast to be in, and thankfully he was too busy taking it all in to feel so horrifically out of place he needed to leave.

Roy put a hand on his shoulder, and the grip was surprisingly steadying. 

Ed breathed in familiar cologne then exhaled through pursed lips, almost an overwhelmed whistle. “Why are we here?”

“We’re on a date, remember?” 

“No, you asshole, why are we  _ here _ ?”

“There’s someone I want you to meet.” Roy started steering Ed towards the magnificent bar, only half seated with patrons since it was a night in the middle of the week. That was part of the ruse too; as if it were perfectly normal to have a date on a Tuesday. That was Roy’s idea; there was no way they couldn’t look like they  _ didn’t _ have it bad for each other. 

The woman who turned to them couldn’t be anyone other than Madame Christmas, Ed decided. She  _ looked _ like someone with the title ‘Madame’, dressed up like her ladies and bedecked in gold and jewels. Her black hair, kissed with silver at the temples, was wound intricately back behind her head and held with even more expensive-looking accoutrements. A queen of her lair, easily serving drinks with a cigarette in hand. Ed wrinkled his nose only a little bit, but the smoke just seemed to ease itself in with the other things tangling in his senses here. 

“Long time no see, Roy-boy,” she greeted them, gravelly voice more than fitting. 

Ed found himself climbing up on a stool without being invited, folding his arms on the bar top and leaning in to study her, then the impressive rows of many colored bottles behind her. She watched him like a hawk as he settled in, then gave her attention back to Roy. 

Mustang bent over the bar to kiss her cheek, the gesture very fond and respectful at the same time. “It’s been busy, I’m afraid.”

“Always busy, General Mustang, not a care for your roots. What brings you here tonight? Don’t you have work in the morning?”

“We both do,” Roy gestured to his companion, finally settling himself onto a stool like it was second nature. Ed assumed it was. “Ed, this is my foster mother. Aunt Chris, this is Edward Elric, my--”

“Mouthy subordinate?”

Ed shot him a glare.

“--date.”

The Madame’s brow darted upward, and she took a long drag of her cigarette while her eyes flickered back and forth between them. It took all of Ed’s considerable willpower not to squirm or look away. He was better than this joke, so he’d keep it up just as well as Mustang, if not better. In fact… He hooked his arm into Roy’s and rested his cheek against his shoulder. He hoped his smile was convincing.

Chris exhaled in a bark of laughter. “Bullshit.”

The tension broke and Ed laughed, immediately pulling away from Roy and going back to his casual lean on the bar. “I like her already, Roy.”

“Most people do. You haven’t lived with her.”

“So did Riza put you up to this, Roy-boy?”

Roy shook his head. “Nah, but she isn’t innocent either. She’s getting her own practical joke played back at her tenfold. We have reason to suspect Ed’s little brother is in on it as well. We’re going to see who can out-perform the other.”

“I see.” Chris was still looking at them as if she didn’t know what to make of the two of them side by side at her bar. “Just watch yourself. Practical jokes can go too far, you know. If you’ve forgotten, perhaps Vanessa could remind you, loudly and in front of your date-friend here.”

“You mean ‘mouthy subordinate’,” Ed quipped. 

“That too,” she agreed with a smirk.

~*~

They left somewhere around 3AM, buzzed and jostling each other out the door. As Chris wiped down the bar, she couldn’t help thinking they were really going to regret this when it was time to go to work. Then again, maybe not. Maybe showing up to the office hungover and bickering about whether the night out had been worth it would only stir the pot of this  _ thing _ they had going between them. It didn’t feel like much of a joke to her, and she knew what to look for. 

“Roy looked awfully happy tonight, didn’t he?” Vanessa carried over her tray of empty glasses and gently placed them into the washbin. Her timing couldn’t have been more impeccable. 

“He did have a bit of a shine to him.”

“It’s that pretty ray of sunshine he was with, wasn’t it?” she giggled as she dried her hands. “And just when we thought our little brother was going to marry his paperwork before he found someone.”

Chris made a noise somewhere between affirmation and a scoff. “Behind every great leader is a mouthy subordinate.” As Vanessa sauntered off giggling, Christmas lit up another cigarette, breathing out a cloud of smoke in an exasperated sigh. 

_ I hope you know what you’re doing, Roy-boy _ .


End file.
